Everything I need to know about life I learned from British murder mystery shows.

The more beautiful the scenery, the more regularly people get murdered.

if someone you have never seen before is fishing in a river, or excavating an old building, they will always find a body.

if you walk down a long corridor and no one answers when you call out, you will either be attacked or find a body.

no matter where your ancestors came from, it is still possible for you to talk with a British accent.

Old white policemen are racist chauvinist bastards. Young white policemen are basically OK more or less.

The Brits drink as much tea as they did in Jane Austen’s time. But they eat a lot more curry.

Nobody eats curry in a restaurant. It’s always takeout, and they call it “take away“.

If someone gets kidnapped, it will always be a young blonde woman.

If you do something heroic, say “I’m just doing my job.”

If you do something wrong, say “I’m just doing my job”.

If there is anything that needs to be done, remind your subordinate that it won’t do itself. i.e. those dishes won’t wash themselves, that data will not collate itself etc.

if you do your job well, you will neglect your children.

Those children will grow up to do the same job, and neglect their children.

When the evidence starts to pile up against someone, they are not the killer. New evidence will show that they are innocent, and will gradually pile up against someone else. They aren’t the killer either. The killer is always somebody against whom there is no evidence until five minutes before the credits.