It sounds to me like he doesn't know how to read your looks very well. As I said in another comment, he seems to be giving you 1000 little pinpricks that are draining your life blood away. Probably something you should discuss in therapy.

But I don't think it's fair to expect the waiter to be able to pick that up, because he can't know this back story. Lots of couples can banter like this, without hurting each other, but that's obviously not true in your case. Anyone can tell that from your article, which does a great job of helping us see the world through your eyes and feel your pain.