My Candidate Is Way Cooler than Yours

Don’t tell me who to vote for. My vote is all about me.

It’s fun being so privileged that I don’t have to worry about the impact of my vote on the rest of the world. I can treat my vote as a pure form of self expression, and not worry about its consequences. I can tell the world “My vote is a pure expression of how I feel, and that’s all that matters”. Some people like to express themselves by painting, or writing poetry, or doing interpretative dance. But those require practice, lessons, art supplies, and above all talent and self-discipline. Self-expression by voting just requires me to fill in some circles on a card and drop it in a box.

I need to know a lot about my candidates, of course. I’ve read all of their speeches and twitter posts, and I know they have never said anything I’ve disagreed with. But fortunately I don’t have to do research on anything they have done, because they haven’t done much of anything except make speeches and twitter posts. That’s not a coincidence. In order to get elected, they would have had to say something I disagreed with, and that would be a dealbreaker for me. Most Americans are too stupid to realize that I am right and they are wrong, and I will never compromise my principles by supporting a candidate who doesn’t agree with me about everything.

Isn’t America all about freedom? We have the freedom to spread diseases that cause millions of deaths. Why shouldn’t we have the freedom to be complicit in the destruction of…