Thanks for reading this with such care, and responding to the content. Most of the critical responses to this essay have ignored the content, and objected to the fact that I say anything on this topic at all. As you requested, I have taken time to reflect on what I have written, which is why it has taken so long for me to respond.

I responded to Jaron Mays for the same reason that I am responding to you: because I respect him. I don’t agree with him about a lot of things, and I think it’s a shame that these days almost everyone sees any disagreement as a form of attack. The words “open letter“ seemed to have that effect on some people. There are lots of people, white and otherwise, who have made points similar to mine in the comment sections of his articles, and no one seemed to mind. In fact, most of the points in this article first appeared in comments I made on Jaron’s articles, and no one objected to them. I wanted to bring those comments together into a single article because I think Jaron is an important writer, and I wanted my readers to be aware of his insights, and my response to them. I respect Jaron because his opinions are his own, and not just the usual bag of woke orthodoxies. I believe a lot of those woke orthodoxies myself, and hearing him criticize some of them, and embracing others, always makes me think.

I don’t think there is any meaningful sense in which I am gaslighting Jaron. Conversations based on mutual respect become impossible if all disagreement is gaslighting. But even if it were, I don’t disagree with Jaron anywhere in this article. all I do is supplement his points with stories from my own experience as a white privileged person. I take him as an authoritative source about the Black people he knows, because I don’t have the experience to do otherwise. All I say is that I know white people who behave the same way, and get away with it because they are privileged. Does he already know this, and if so is my bringing it up a form of patronizing whitesplaining? I don’t know whether he does or not. What I do know is that he doesn’t mention it here, and I believe it needs to be considered in this context. A lot of black people object to Jaron’s writings because they think he provides arguments that can be used by white racists. My arguments and comments are offered as possible responses to those white racists.

You object to my centering my white experience, but what else do you expect me to do? If I talk about black experience, I am gaslighting. If I talk about white experience, I am centering myself. If I say nothing at all, I am apathetic and complicit. I don’t think any of us really knows the best way of responding to the racist society we have been thrown into. There’s a lot of work to be done before we come up with strategies we can live with.