There are a lot of people trying to rewrite the rules of courtesy right now. I discuss this more thoroughly here.
https://teedrockwell.medium.com/the-woke-revolution-in-moral-habits-5a9694abc46f
Some of these people are nutjobs, who don’t speak for anybody but themselves, who do this kind of censoring as a power game. (Some of those nutjobs might call me out for using the term “nutjob”, because it is allegedly ableist.) But it’s also true that a lot of marginalized people have legitimate complaints about words they find offensive, and their voices are now being heard for the first time. Consequently you and I are going to discover that things we used to find inoffensive are going to now be judged offensive. One of those is mentioning the N-word without using it. (which is what you were doing at your family discussion.) Many of us white guys would say things in the past like “N-word is a word that only a brainless yahoo would use. It should never be used in polite society.” even when we would never use the word. That has changed. You can still mention words like “Negro” and “colored”, but don’t use them. There are also some other words you might be able to mention but not use, some of which my parents would have occasionally used. (And they would have literally washed my mouth out with soap if I had ever used the “N-word”) But I won’t take a chance on mentioning them here, or anywhere else. Mind you, I’m not stating this as a moral command. This is just my estimation of what is most likely to piss off young woke people like the rest of your family. I think young white people often overestimate what actions and words will count as offensive to marginalized groups, but with this particular word, they’ve got it right. Every black person I’ve ever encountered, no matter where they are politically, find that word, whether used or mentioned, to be intolerably offensive.
I spend a lot of time with Indians (AKA South Asians, not Native Americans). Indians find it very offensive if you point your feet at them. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but I don’t want to upset them so I don’t so it. That’s all you really need to know. One of the things about getting older is that you discover that to some degree you become a foreigner in your own country, as the rules of courtesy change. I am a mere youth of 71, but it’s as true for me as for you. The rules of courtesy are changing radically right now, sometimes for the better, and sometimes in slightly looney ways. In the long run, I believe that the looney stuff will settle out, and we will eventually have new manners that will be just and inclusive to everyone’s feelings without being excessively puritanical. But by the time that happens, you and I will probably both be dead.
