There’s not really a paradox here. There are two different situations, with two different appropriate responses. It’s very inappropriate to go up to a random black person, or even a black friend, and ask them to clarify some issue about race. They have to deal with it all the time, and they have no obligation to help you deal with it. But there are also black people who have things to say about this topic, and some of them get paid to say things about it. Read their books, and watch their movies and television shows. If a black person you know tells you something about this issue, listen to what they have to say and think about it. Recognize that your first response, whatever it is, it’s probably going to be an attempt to cover your ass, so don’t say anything until you have at least a week to think about what they said. Even then, there’s no need to respond directly to that person, unless they ask for a response. Just think about what they have said, and use what you have learned to change your behavior in ways that will cause less annoyance and suffering to black people